All My Fault (2016)
by HitsuKarinluv
Summary: Karin wasn't careful enough. She shouldn't have stepped so close to the edge of that damn cliff. She shouldn't have lost her footing. He shouldn't have saved her. But he did. So, now her best friend is injured and in a coma. Karin can't help but think that everything that's gone wrong between them is all her fault. Re-do of All My Fault.


My feet were starting to stumble on the road beneath my feet, but somehow my legs and feet didn't quite burn like they would if I was playing soccer. I was on the brink of shutting down but I was wide awake. I was covered in blood but I was not injured. Something was oddly ironic and depressing about the whole situation.

I had become a Soul Reaper to protect the people I cared about, not to get them hurt...yet, here I was, running through the outskirts of Karakura with Toushirou unconscious on my back, desperately searching for anyone with any spiritual pressure at all. All I wanted was to save him. I wanted things to stop being my fault. I couldn't stand it when Ichi-nii fought time and time again to save me only to be left on the ground barely breathing and I couldn't stand it that the cycle kept repeating itself: each time the people I cared about got closer and closer to death.

It was all my fault.

The guilt of it all weighed down on my shoulders and somewhere in the back of my mind I gave up trying. Someone was going to die someday because of me, it would only be fitting that it was someone I cared so much about. That thought jarred every part of my being and I tripped over my own feet as they faltered once more.

I hit the ground hard, throwing Toushirou off of my back and into the road in front of me. I reached out for him without trying to get up off my stomach, "No."

The sound of my own broken voice caused the tears to start falling and a frustrated scream to escape my lungs. There was no good reason for any of this. If I had only watched where I put my feet. If I had only been more careful. If he would've just let me fall everything would be so much better now. He was a genius but sometimes he could be so stupid. Didn't he realize...Didn't he know that I still had an afterlife to look forward to? Didn't he know that we would never meet again if he died in my stead? We would never be friends again if he bled to death like he was doing now.

I forced myself to a sitting position screamed again this time forming words, "Help! Anyone! I can't do this anymore!"

I crawled toward Toushirou hovering over his unconscious body and staring at his injuries. The gash in his side had widened severely and his face was covered in the blood from his head. I knew not by looking at him but by the snapping sound forever stuck in my ears from earlier that several of his bones were broken. And I knew that he was most likely bleeding internally as well from the punctures in his body from the same broken bones. He was dying and I couldn't do anything to save him.

I reached for his blood-stained hair only knowing that I had an intense need to be as close to him as possible. Somehow, even though it was sticky from the blood, his hair was softer than I remembered it ever being. I leaned forward further causing my tears to fall on his face, "You have to live. I have to tell you I'm sorry."

I closed my eyes and gripped my pants legs trying to muster to willpower to try again. I didn't notice when the rain started or when the thunder started to boom but I did notice that it was happening when I felt a hand on my shoulder. My eyes flew open to meet Rukia's concerned face directly in front of me on the other side of Toushirou's body, "Karin, are you okay? What happened?"

I opened my mouth to tell her regardless of how broken I knew my voice would sound, "It doesn't matter. All that matters is that Toushirou is going to bleed to death if someone doesn't help him. You have to help him Rukia."

Her eyes widened for a brief moment before she looked down at the boy I had learned to call my best friend. In what seemed like a flash, she looked over her shoulder and Toushirou was off the ground and on...Renji's...back. I could see Rangiku behind him looking more depressed than I had ever seen her When had they all gotten here? Behind Rukia, all the Soul Reapers I knew were standing as if they were poised to take action. My brother stood in the middle of them all reaching out a hand to me, "Karin we'll help but you have to tell us what happened. We know he injured but are you okay? You may not know it but the guy's Captain and Captain's aren't taken out very easily. If something dangerous is nearby we need to know."

I took his hand and pulled myself to my feet, "I'm fine Ichi-nii and there's nothing near here. It's long story that I'd rather not talk about right now."

He turned and pulled me onto his back just like he used to when I was little, "If you say so. But how'd you end up in the same place as Toushirou? There's no reason that you two should know each other I don't think."

At that point, the flash-stepping had begun and I had to close my eyes so I wouldn't get sick, "I'll tell you later Ichi-nii. It's not that important right now."

He sighed, "I wish you would tell me things more often."

He carried me back to our house where Renji had already placed Toushirou in Ichigo's bed. It was only minutes later that Rangiku showed up with Hanataro to begin healing Toushirou. I went to my room and curled up on my bed unwilling to give up or hope or do anything really. I couldn't say for sure but I thought I saw Rukia lean over me again, "Be strong. He won't die. He's too stubborn for that."

The next morning I woke up to Yuzu gently shaking my shoulder, "Karin. Are you going to school? I can get your homework for you."

I looked into her brown eyes and found myself shaking my head, "I don't think I could manage school right now. Tell them I'm sick."

I saw her eyes soften and she hugged me from the side, "I'll do just that and I'll get your homework for you too."

I hugged her back from my reclined position, "Thanks Yuzu."

Then she left and I forced myself out of bed to go sit next to Ichigo's bed. Hanataro said that he had closed all of Toushirou's wounds and it should be just a matter of time before he woke up. Yet, he still had not woken up. I waited all day and all night sitting besides the bed but he never opened his eyes. So, I went back to my room knowing that at some point I needed to sleep and I didn't want Toushirou to wake up to me asleep next to him. Yuzu didn't attempt to come inside until late and by that point she thought I was asleep, "You have to stop blaming yourself Karin."

I wanted to tell her that I couldn't because it was my fault but I didn't want her to know that I wasn't going to sleep well. I didn't want her to worry any more than she already was. I knew that she had kept track of how many meals I had, or hadn't, eaten in the day. And I knew that she had saved it all back just in case I got an appetite.

I knew that Ichigo had watched me from the hallway wondering why I refused to leave Toushirou's side. I had noticed that Dad had become serious when speaking to me or within hearing range. I knew…I knew that they all hadn't questioned anything I was doing openly because they knew that I most likely wouldn't respond well.

Everything had changed in our household again. The first time it had been so divided and quiet it had been Ichigo placing the blame on himself for our mother's death. Now, now, it was me and my actions that had split us up once more.

Something about it all was disgusting. There was no reason for everything to have to be so stressful or sad but it just seemed to be the way life unfolded.

I fell asleep long after everyone else in the house did. Yet, I found myself awake much earlier drenched in the cold sweat of an unremembered nightmare. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew it had to do with Toushirou; just like, somewhere, in the deepest corners of my heart I knew that I…that I….no, now I was just being ridiculous. The Captain was my best friend nothing more. Any insinuation otherwise was misjudged and needed to be rethought. Besides, he was probably centuries older than me and lived in a different dimension so it wasn't like that would ever work out anyway. I sighed and pushed myself out of bed almost as if it was programmed into my instincts to know where I should go. I found myself back by his side staring at the way the moonlight seemed to reflect off of his skin. It kind of looked like he was bathing in the soft light. Before I realized it, I was smiling and whispering to myself, "Take care of him Mom. He needs it."

My words caught me off guard. I shook my head and having already started, began talking to myself, "Sometimes nothing makes sense. It doesn't make sense that he's not awake yet. It doesn't make sense that I'm sitting in here in the middle of the night. And it definitely doesn't make any sense that he'd risk his life for me…..Mom? Wherever you are now, do you understand what's going on? Have you been watching me? Would you know what to do if you were me?"

I wasn't saying anything comprehensible and I was fully aware of it. Mom was gone and though we had never heard of her being in the Soul Society that was most likely where she would be. So, there was no way that she could hear me just then and there was no way that she'd even know who I was. I sighed again and reached for Toushirou's forehead. His skin was just as cool as ever. He had no fever…no readily available answer to his 'coma' as I had begun to call it.

I leaned back again trying not to look at him. He looked like he was sleeping; but, without the blood, Mom would've looked like she was sleeping when she died also. Despite what Hanataro said, it was still in the back of my mind that I could lose Toushirou and I wasn't okay with that.

"You know, I had it in my mind that we'd be friends forever. We'd play soccer every time you visited. And it would be hard. Because at some point I'd have to admit to myself that I…that I…and…and I have to decide whether or not I'd tell you. Maybe I would if I was given the chance. But I know that it wouldn't go well. I'm just a kid you've learned to call your friend. You'd always have the Soul Society to go back to and I'd always be trapped here unless I followed Ichi-nii's footsteps. Emotion would have nothing to do with it. It'd be impossible…but somehow I still want to tell you some day. Not today but maybe when you wake up. Maybe."

I sounded depressed and I suppose some part of me was; but, I was smiling at the thought of Toushirou's confusion at me telling him. I could see his eyebrows furrow together and then separate again in an attempt to mask his confusion. I could see his left eyebrow go up, questioning me. I could almost hear him, "Are you feeling okay? Do you have a fever?"

Then, I was laughing, actually laughing because I knew someday that exact thing would happen if nothing else got in the way first. We had been friends for years but I couldn't help but get flustered around him. He had always teased me about it but in a way that suggested that he didn't believe anything he ever said. I'd trip and run into him and he'd coat his voice with sarcasm, "Wanted a hug?"

Then I'd stomp my foot and push his and call him a dumbass and inform him not so politely that I'd tripped and I wasn't craving his stupid hugs. It had turned into a constant circle of being flustered and him calling me clumsy after I turned fifteen two years ago.

It had been my birthday and I wasn't expecting anyone but my family to celebrate. Yuzu and I would get presents from Ichigo and Dad and then we'd eat Dad's failed cake and maybe play a game of monopoly which always turned into a wrestling fight between Ichigo and I. But when I got home from soccer practice, Rangiku, Renji, and Rukia were also standing in my living room. I thought Ichigo had invited him but he walked in the door behind me and asked what they were doing here. Rangiku was the one who responded, "Well we heard that today was Karin and Yuzu's birthday and we thought we'd come give them presents! After all, they're just so cute! We've got to pamper them while we still can."

At that point, Ichigo shrugged and walked further into the house and out of the conversation.

Renji and Rukia both rolled their eyes, "We just felt that we had kind of become part of the family…and you can't forget or ignore your little sisters' birthdays and be a good older sibling. Though I suppose I'm not a very good older sister anyway because I didn't know it was your birthday today before Captain Hitsugaya said so."

I remembered tilting my head to the side, "Toushirou told you?"

Renji waved a hand at me, "Not on purpose. And you probably shouldn't call him by his given name."

I smiled, "I've heard it all before Renji. He'll correct you if you say that. You're supposed to call him Captain Hitsugaya or at least Hitsugaya. You'll get in trouble otherwise."

"You're just like Ichigo," Rukia laughed.

Rangiku smiled, "You guys haven't seen it yet though. Captain doesn't correct Karin. Ever."

I grinned, "He knew it was futile when he found out I was another Kurosaki."

They all laughed and I joined in with them. Several minutes later, I started the conversation again, "But if he told you it was my birthday shouldn't he be here too?"

Rangiku put a finger to her chin and looked at the ceiling, "Well he came through the gate with us but he didn't come to the house. He'll probably show up sooner or later."

I nodded and found myself smiling, "Okay. So how'd he slip up and tell you?"

Rangiku nodded repeatedly like she did when she was telling a story that she knew all the details to, "Well I went into the office and Captain was putting his desk in order like he does when he's done with all his paperwork. So I jumped on the opportunity because he never comes drinking with me so I thought I'd find out a way to drag him along. So, I started asking him to come and bribing him and trying everything. And he brushed me off just like normal. But when he tried to leave the office I wouldn't let him. He was calm for a really long time. You know how he does. Crossed his arms and told me to get out of the way. Now normally when he gets that upset I follow orders because frankly he scares me but I don't know. Today I just stayed put and kept trying. Eventually, he looked up at the clock and then got really angry and told me to move. But I didn't and so he yelled 'Dammit Matsumoto! You have to move I have somewhere to be!' Now, normally I wouldn't think of that and let him go. But Captains face turned bright red like he had admitted to something that he shouldn't have and so I told him that he couldn't leave until he told me where he was going. And he took a deep breath and then sighed and started to push me out of the way, 'It's the Kurosaki twins' birthday today' he says. And so I told him it was sweet of him to remember and went and got Rukia and Renji and now we're here."

I laughed, "Well that sounds about right. Come on inside food is probably about to be served."

Renji threw his arms into the air in a victorious sort of way, "Good! I'm starving."

Then my birthday happened just like normal only with a few extra guests. We were given presents, ate a terrible cake, and played an overly competitive game of monopoly. The others left around midnight saying that they had to get back to the Soul Society so they wouldn't be in trouble in the morning. It wasn't until I was already in my pajamas and ready to get in the bed that I realized Toushirou had never showed up. I remembered thinking that there was no way that he wasn't there somewhere. So, I opened the window and looked outside trying to sense his spiritual pressure. Almost as soon as my head was outside the house I heard him above me, "I knew you'd look after the others left."  
I couldn't see him but I knew he was on the roof. So, I carefully pushed myself out the window to grab onto the ladder on my tiny balcony area. I climbed up to him and sat down, "Hey."

"Hey."

He was looking at the sky almost so intensely that I could've sworn that he was counting the stars. I looked up to only to realize that there wasn't a moon, "New moon tonight."

He nodded but didn't respond verbally. We sat in silence for a long time before I realized that he wasn't going to break it. So, I spoke up instead, "You didn't have to come I wasn't expecting you to."

He shrugged, "It's your birthday and I'm fairly certain that friends are supposed to wish each other happy birthday."

I smiled, "It isn't my birthday anymore. It's past midnight."

I saw him briefly glance at me out of the corner of his eyes, "I didn't want to come inside."

I wanted to ask why but I didn't. Instead I changed the topic, "How'd you know it was my birthday anyway? I don't think I've ever told you when it was."

That time he actually turned his head to look at me, "Last year, I left for the Soul Society on your birthday. You had come into Urahara's shop to tell him that you were old enough for him to train you to be a Soul Reaper. He told you to wait a couple more years and told you to take candy as a birthday present instead. So, I made a note of what day it was and decided to tell you happy birthday this year instead."

I pushed his shoulder, "You're ridiculous."

"I am not."

"Are too."

He scowled at me and turned back to the sky, "Well, Happy Birthday anyway."

I nodded, "Thanks."

Then it was silent again. We had never really talked much when we were together. He had answered my questions when I asked them and I answered the rare questions he had for me. Occasionally, something one of us said would trigger a memory of the other and we'd talk about that. But right then, at fifteen years old, I had never really gotten to know Toushirou. He hadn't told me anything and I hadn't asked. I knew he was someone I could rely on but that was it. However, something triggered that night and I suddenly wanted to know who we was and what he liked and didn't like. So, I started trying, "So, when's your birthday. We can't have you wishing me a happy birthday out of obligation without me returning the favor."

He looked surprised for a split second and then he went back to being the same stoic guy that I knew basically nothing about, "You don't have to do that. Besides, how would you even accomplish that. I'd most likely be in the Soul Society and last time I checked Urahara won't let you through the gate."

I crossed my arms, "Well he has those weird Soul Pager things and they work across the dimensions right? I could just message you on that."

He rolled his eyes at me, "That's not what that is supposed to be used for."

I shrugged, "I'm pretty sure a once a year message wouldn't hurt anything. So, when is your birthday?"

"I don't even celebrate my birthday so that question is pointless."

I scoffed, "Are you really that opposed to me knowing something about you?"

He raised an eyebrow at me, "You know plenty."

"I know nothing."

"You know that I like to watch the sunset. You know that I like candied beans. You know that I visit Grandma Haru and how I met her. You know that my zanpakuto is an ice type. You know that I'm serious most of the time. You know plenty."

I rolled my eyes, "Everything you just listed could be brushed off as things people who just met each other would know. All I'm asking for is your birthday it really isn't that big of a deal."

He didn't respond to me that time. I shrugged trying to provoke him, "Fine, I'll just ask Rangiku."

"She doesn't know the answer to your question. She could probably tell you the general season but not a specific day."

I snorted, "Then who could I ask that would know?"

He shrugged, "I think I'm the only person that you know."

I threw my hands in the air, "Then you're the one that has to tell me!"

He shook his head, "There's no reason to know."

I sighed and looked at the sky, "But there is. You said you came because friends are supposed to wish each other a happy birthday. I can't do that if you don't tell me when your birthday is. Therefore, by your logic not telling me literally goes against us being friends."

He was silent again, looking at the stars, but I didn't try again. After several minutes of me nearly dozing off on the roof, he spoke up again, "It's in December."

"What?"

"My birthday, it's in December."

I remembered laughing then, "I should have known it was the winter."

He nodded, "Most people get that far."

"Can you be more specific?"

He sighed, "It's December 20th."

I smiled and nodded, "Noted. Do I get to know how old you are or no?"

"I don't even know the answer to that."

I gaped at him, "You don't know how old you are?"

He shook his head, "Not at all. I mean, I could tell you that I'm older than a specific age and younger than another but I'm not going to. I'm sure Momo probably knows."

And at fifteen I had no idea how heart-wrenching that sentence would be to my older self, "Momo?"

His eyes widened at that point and his face turned red, "Momo Hinamori. I grew up with her. So she'd probably know how old I am."

I nodded and smiled at him, "Childhood friend, huh? Your face turned bright red when I asked about her."

He became flustered at that point and started waving his hands in front of him, "It's not like that. I just didn't mean to bring her up is all."

I grinned at him, "Sure. Are you positive that you don't have a crush on her?"

He nodded, "100%"

Then the rest of the night was silent except for the end when he said goodbye and flash-stepped away from the house. I climbed back in the window then and went to sleep.  
That was the beginning of what we would eventually recognize as an unbreakable friendship. I wasn't sure when I started to notice how pretty his eyes were. Or when I realized his hair was obnoxiously soft. I wasn't sure when I started to want to hold his hand or when I lost the ability to speak properly when he showed up without warning. But I did know that that was my current standing point on our friendship. I wondered if he believed the excuses I made up most of the time or if he realized I was lying long ago.

I leaned forward and ran my fingers through his bed tousled hair, "Wake up soon Toush."

Then I went back to my room and went back to sleep, knowing I'd be right back by his side when I woke up again.

 **Hey guys! So I decided to come back to this story because I loved writing it and it seriously needs a re-do. As much as I loved the first one, it was very out of character for the most part. Well I'm here to fix that if I can. Hopefully. Or at least I'm here to write this in my current style. That being said if you are here from the previous story then you may notice a lot of drastic changes. That's because as much as I hate to say it, by the time I fix everything I don't like in the original, Forgotten will most likely not line up very well. Well, to be more specific. It will line up but will not match in style so, that will be Restarted as well. Sorry for any inconvenience! Hope you guys like the re-do love you! _ALSO IF YOU GUYS HAVE ANY ONESHOT IDEAS OR PROMPTS FEEL FREE TO SEND THEM TO ME IN A PRIVATE MESSAGE I WILL WRITE YOU A ONESHOT! THANK YOU! Really if you guys just want to talk to me that's fine to I'm open to that :)_**


End file.
